The victim cannot change the behavior of the perpetrator - only the perpetrator can do that. If we focus only on mitigating the consequences but not on the root cause, we are treating the wrong place.

 

(Kati Arumäe, Leading Specialist of the Violence Refusal Service)

 

Ending domestic violence starts with the perpetrator 

" I had to go to a violence cessation counselor. To be honest, I was annoyed at first: I didn't think I was a perpetrator and I didn't understand why I needed to. It felt like another place where people just talk and nothing really changes. The prosecutor said that I had beaten, threatened and cursed at the woman. I saw it differently: I did raise my voice, maybe I shook her, but it wasn't violence. Besides, it wasn't just my fault - she knew how to push the right buttons too. And I had been through the same thing at home as a child. Anyway, I went with the plan that I would go there a couple of times and get it over with quickly .

Nonviolent communication can be learned.

Violent behavior is not inevitable, but a learned pattern. However, everything learned can be unlearned. Change requires a person's own motivation, a desire to start regulating their emotions, and a willingness to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

The Social Insurance Board offers counseling to adult perpetrators of domestic violence on how to give up violence. The aim of the service is to prevent the recurrence of violence and increase the safety of victims. The counseling provides a safe and non-judgmental space where the perpetrator can open up and learn how to prevent violent behavior. It is important to emphasize that the responsibility for violent behavior always and entirely lies with the perpetrator.

 

400 perpetrators of domestic violence are counseled annually

The police register approximately 10,000 cases of domestic violence each year. This is just the tip of the iceberg; unfortunately, many cases remain within the walls of the home and do not reach the police. 

Nearly 400 people who want to give up violent behavior reach the counselors of the Social Insurance Board every year. This is a small part of all perpetrators of domestic violence, but considering that there are only five violence cessation counselors working in Estonia, it is not that few. Every month we counsel nearly 30 perpetrators of domestic violence, and we conduct nearly 800 counseling sessions a year. We meet with some clients only once, with some 8-10 times, depending on the person's needs and motivation. 

 

Working with perpetrators of violence helps reduce the recurrence of violence

The opportunities for perpetrators of violence to receive professional help in Estonia have been limited, with the focus mainly on supporting victims. The perpetrator's behavior has often only been addressed once the case has reached the penal system (prison or probation). 

It is also difficult to find specialists in Estonia who would like to work with perpetrators of domestic violence. This is influenced by both societal attitudes (the opinion that perpetrators should not be supported, but punished) and human fear. In reality, both Estonian and global practice shows that it is precisely working with perpetrators of violence that helps reduce the recurrence of domestic violence. It is important to condemn a person's violent behavior, not the person themselves. 

A comprehensive violence prevention strategy supports victims, perpetrators and children and helps break the cycle of violence. It creates the conditions for healthier relationships and supports the well-being of children growing up in the family. 63% of clients of the Violence Refusal Service come into contact with children in their lives (raising their own or their partner's children). 

 

Five advisors do not cover the real need 

Ideally, there should be at least as many specialists working with perpetrators as there are those providing assistance to victims. Intervention measures for perpetrators of domestic violence should be available uniformly throughout Estonia and at the earliest possible stage, before the violence escalates.

We need significantly more violence cessation counselors in both the public and private sectors, for both voluntary and mandatory interventions. Help should be better available even before a crime is committed. In certain cases, it should be possible to refer a person to counseling proactively, including pre-procedurally or extra-procedurally.

Although the Social Insurance Board's counseling service is available throughout Estonia, Russian-language counseling is currently only possible in Eastern and Northern Estonia. One possible solution would be to provide counseling online, but there is still too little scientific evidence to support its wider implementation. Online work also requires more preparation and a private space, not to mention the availability of digital tools and the ability to use them. However, a hybrid solution has been used in Estonia: some meetings take place on site, some online.

 

Only about 13% of those who come for counseling come on their own initiative.

The wider use of online work is also limited by the low intrinsic motivation of clients. Only about 13% of those who come for counseling come on their own initiative. Most clients - almost 75% - are referred to the service by the police or prosecutor's office, meaning they come primarily under external pressure. In order to move from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation, face-to-face counseling is more effective.

The timing of the intervention is also important. The sooner a person reaches out for help after a violent act—especially the first counseling session—the more motivated they are to address their behavior and the more likely they are to change their behavior patterns. If the intervention is months away, their recollection of what happened will be less accurate, and the violent patterns may have already deepened by then.

Changing behavior takes time, so the intervention must last long enough. In addition to meetings, it is necessary to practice independently between sessions. European practice recommendations say that there should be at least 27 hours of individual counseling over a six-month period, but the current reality in Estonia is less than ten hours.

The victim cannot change the perpetrator's behavior - only the perpetrator can do that.

It is also important to change the general understanding of responsibility: violence must be noticed and the responsibility for ending it must be taken from the victim. It is important to remember that this is not just a "family dispute", but a serious violation of human rights, which can result in the loss of human life. The victim cannot change the behavior of the perpetrator - only the perpetrator can do this. If we focus only on mitigating the consequences, but not on the root cause, we are treating the wrong place: bandaging the head will not heal a leg wound.

 

What happens in violent behavior cessation counseling and how do I get there?

 You can arrange a meeting with a violence cessation counselor by calling  660 6077  (Mon–Fri 10 am–4 pm) or writing to  vlt@sotsiaalkindlustusamet.ee.

• Counseling is intended for adults who are ready to take responsibility for their actions and are willing to cooperate.
• Counseling sessions are individual and take place face-to-face with the counselor.
• Anyone can seek counseling independently or through the police, prosecutor's office, or victim support.
• Counseling takes place on weekdays at a previously agreed time and in a private room, in exceptional cases online or by phone.
• Depending on the region, consultation times can range from a week to a month.
• One consultation lasts 60–90 minutes.
• The number of consultations depends on the client's motivation. 
• Counseling is non-judgmental listening, where a person can talk about their experience, share their thoughts and feelings.
• The focus is on regulating emotions and taking responsibility for one's actions and their consequences.
• Counseling covers various topics, such as:
  • taking responsibility for one's actions;
  • conflict resolution and anger expression;
  • possible substance dependence;
  • childhood experiences and their impact;
  • parenting and partnerships.
• Counseling can be sought anonymously, but everyone who participates in face-to-face or online meetings will be identified.
• If necessary, cooperation is carried out with other specialists (police, prosecutor's office, victim assistance, women's support centers, etc.).
• Counseling is confidential, unless there is a threat to life or a child is in danger.
• Counselors do not refer clients to other services, but can recommend assistance options.
• The frequency and duration of counseling depends on the person's needs, but on average, meetings are held 3–6 times.
• Counseling is provided in Estonian, and in the Northern and Eastern regions, if necessary, also in Russian.
• In addition to perpetrators of domestic violence, their loved ones, victims, and specialists can also turn to counselors.

" After just a few meetings, I realized that this wasn't quite what I had imagined. The counselor didn't come to fix me, but calmly asked questions and listened to me. I was able to talk about things I wouldn't normally talk about, and I gradually began to see how my behavior affected the other person. The most surprising thing for me was that violence doesn't just mean hitting. Words, threats, controlling, and intimidation are also violence. I'm not saying that everything is suddenly okay, but I'm calmer and I now have some specific techniques for how to control myself when tension rises... "

If you are ready for change and want to stop behaving violently, contact the Social Insurance Board and arrange a meeting with a violence cessation counselor!

Phone: 660 6077 (Mon–Fri 10 am–4 pm)
E-mail:  vlt@sotsiaalkindlustusamet.ee

Counseling is free.

Domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or economic violence that occurs within the family or in close relationships between current or former spouses and partners - even if the perpetrator does not live or has never lived with the victim.